Thursday, November 5, 2009

He Hate Me - Blasphemy and The Beatles

Or, Why Abbey Road is My Least Favorite Beatles Record
And I'd Rather Listen to AC/DC


Yesterday I found out that the Beatles last recorded album, Abbey Road, annoys the hell out of me. I've been trying to weed out my record collection of its garbage that's been collected over the years. I began the process by alphabetizing, by decade, and going from there.

The listening began in earnest yesterday, starting with the A's. I already have uncovered a blasphemous epiphany. Its significance I am only beginning to understand.

That's right folks: I like AC/DC's record, Let There Be Rock, more than The Beatles' Abbey Road. I know, on paper, that sounds like a whole lotta bullshit. But bear with me, as I deconstruct this minor crisis in taste and identity I've endured the past two days of my life. It'll make sense when I'm done, trust me.

First off, let's make this crystal clear: I Love The Beatles. I could give you proof, by waxing poetically about the significance of The White Album on my music evolution, but I'll save you the trouble and tell you straight-up: The Beatles made some of the best fucking rock music ever. Unquestionably, duh. They changed music 4eva and eva. Blah blah bleck bleh bloop bleep. Meergh. PS: George is my favorite.

I adore AC/DC. I'm not as in touch with their entire music oeuvre but Back in Black is brilliant.

I listened to AC/DC first. AC/DC is rock in its purest form. I loved it.

Then the Beatles came on.

I started taking notes because I was so shocked at how boring I found Abbey Road.

Here's what I wrote:

Octopus Garden: I can't help but think that this album spawned the smoldering dump known as "Phish" or at least made it acceptable to make music with epically lazy lyrical content. At the time, maybe this song was quirky and charming. But sometimes I think The Beatles get a pass because they are THE Beatles, and here, for fuck's sake, this is something that cannot be ignored. They spawned acceptance for mind-numbing and mediocre genres of what is hardly passable music.

I Want You (She's So Heavy): Santana breakdown, rather listen to Abraxas than this song ever again. There are some lazy fucking lyrics again here. I think it sucks.

Unquestionably, there are some bangers on this record, but Does Their Mystique Excuse Them For This? = written exactly like this in my notebook.

Bangers: Come Together, Here Comes the Sun, You Never Give Me Your Money, Mean Mr Mustard, Bathroom Window

Fucking horrible:
Spanish singing on the sun king = hokey ass shit, something about mi amor ble bla blah cringe crunch crush

Abbey Road has, count 'em, three absolutely unlistenable, heinous tracks.

I relistened to AC/DC, to make sure I wasn't over-exaggerating. Again, notes:

Forceful, thunderous, thank god i'm alive cuz it's grand - it's that type of record. Rock music with a pulse - it's a marvelous type of record. I'm wholly impressed and pleasantly rocking. Play this shit loud and play it with authority because these motherfuckers are fearless.

And whaddya know, more research has revealed that this was the last Beatles record and they all hated each other during the recording process. And boy, it comes off that way: it's off-balanced and negative in some ways, half-assed and stupid in other ways, and fucking crucial in the other 60 percent.

This album pisses me off for that, plus:

I don't like listening to people make music that they aren't actually that into. I don't think the Beatles were having any fun making this record. Was it for the money? The legacy? Nostalgia, already? I don't know, and frankly, could fucking give a damn. If I want to listen to music, I don't want to hear a lot of the shit on this record. It's depressing to me that people don't criticize The Beatles on Abbey Road. Compared to how fucking brilliantly conceived their other records are, this one has zero pulse.

And that is why I think AC/DC's wonderful Let There Be Rock sounded like the best music I could have ever heard ever. The Beatles were pissed off at each other, and didn't streamline that anger into the music. They needed an editor in there, to cut off the fat, and to put out the good shit.

There's no way a Beatles album needs to make me this pissed off. Thanks.

Most importantly, AC/DC are having fun rocking your face off, howling at the moon, shitting your pants, and cursing at your parents. Jesus, they rule. It really sucks the singer on this album choked on his own vomit, but at least when he was living he fucking LIVED. The Beatles died somewhere in the late 60s, and Abbey Road, that pretentious horde of bull shit, is a big obvious point to that. At least parts of it.

Everyone has a favorite Beatles tune, a favorite Beatles record, a favorite Beatle. They're a band everyone can talk about.

And now Abbey Road is officially my, "Least Favorite Beatles Album." Any arguments?

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