Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Since I now have access to ESPN and NESN, I'm able to watch sports consistently again. I've been feasting on the NFL, the Boston Red Sox, and some college football here and there.
The next few weeks are my favorite of the year in the world of grunting men.
In conclusion, every Wednesday for a while, I'll be barfing up some sports observations and whatnot. Oh, and I do fantasy football, I'll have stories from that, as well.
Let's do that first:
Fantasy football notes:
• I had to root for the Oakland Raiders to score a bunch of points against the San Diego Whale's Vaginas. My opponent had San Diego's Defense. That's right: fantasy week 1 came down to the end of a Raider's game. JaMarcus Russell heroically threw a 4th and 15 60 yard TD pass with two minutes left, sending SD's D point total down the toilet. Thanks, JaMarcus! My new AFC West team is the Raiders, officially. And my next adopted child will be named JaMarcus.
This is a whale's vagina:
• The other Monday Night game, my Patriots versus the Bills, also had large fantasy ramifications. I have the Pats' D on my team. If you watched the game, you may recall the atrocities the referees tried to pass over as penalties. Now, in fantasy football, sacks count as one point each. On two such abuses of power, the refs took back two huge sacks on New England, claiming they had hit the quarterback too hard. That's right: there are penalties in the NFL against hitting people too hard. So I lost two huge points on those plays AND the Pats almost lost. Fuck, what a night.
• In the end, I won this week by exactly 1.1 points. Legacy of Brutality, 1-0.
• Tony Romo had a big week, he's my fantasy MVP.
• Matt Forte, my number one pick, choked on Jay Cutler's member, and is my fantasy LVP.
• Joey Galloway, who had 0 points, is my fantasy DLGS (Disappeared Like Governor Sanford).
Other Sports Observations
• Philip River is the least-likable player in the entire NFL. He sucks more than Peyton or Eli Manning. More than the entire Steelers franchise. More than TO. He's the Sarah Palin of the NFL. If you have never seen him play, just trust me. He talks shit way too much, but claims to never swear. And has zero Super Bowl rings. Terrible.
• I have had a good feeling about the Red Sox the past few months, even when they were playing like Charlie Brown. Haven't you ever seen a baseball movie? The team has to suck at some point in the season so then they can, you know, overcome stuff.
• I especially am falling in love with Clay Bucholz. He has the best stuff a Red Sox starter has had since Pedro Martinez. His curve-ball and change-up have finally come around. He make me so proud, it's like watching a puppy finally learn how to poop outside.
• College Football is fun to watch even though I know about three players and NCAA sports are as corrupt as the city of Providence (zing). The USC/Ohio State game Saturday night was decent. The USC Quarterback, who is 18, my brother's age, showed some balls and won the game for the Trojans at the very end. Great job!
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